Why I don't write for God much anymore

 Good morning and hello my Father

I have been avoiding writing to you like the plague. 

I haven't written because it hurts to speak to you, because I pour out my heart to you and I feel and see very little come back. I feel like I always have, left on the sidelines with no clear direction other than to "be" and to live. So many around me who are protestant evangelicals are always speaking of how God has a plan for "your" life and to know it is to simply ask Him! I find that so very humorous since I have been asking for thirty years and nothing is spoken but instead I experience. I experience life. I wake up, I work, I love my wife and I go to sleep, nothing special or specific there. I walk through my days and some are simple such as cleaning my house or mowing the yard or making dinner but there is no bulletin board from heaven showing the way to God's special plan for Me. Protestants make such a big deal of finding your calling, understanding your purpose in God's master plan, well, what if there ISN'T any???

Will I get kicked out because I'm still benched? Will they take away my Follower of Christ card? (no such thing) I feel like they are expecting something to break any day now and the light from above will shine down and a voice will speak and everyone around me will hear and know God is my Father and He has a special plan for me and then all of them will back off and leave me alone because Then and only then will they believe that I am "part of the club". What if I have already lived my special purpose? What if that part of God's intricate plan for my life already came and went and now all I have is to live until I die from old age? Only God knows what else lays ahead in my life and He doesn't seem to be sharing and I am getting tired and exhausted with asking and looking and listening. I give up, I put up the white flag of surrender and I quit! Do you hear me God? Do you see what I have written and do you get that I am done chasing after my purpose? It never was such a major point in my life until I met these type A Christians and all of a sudden it's like "if you are really filled with the Holy Spirit then you have a special job on earth." Well I am sorry but there are a world of people around me and I am sure many are filled with the Holy Spirit and very few of them actually stand out and I may very well turn out like them.

I'm tired and I am fed up with disappointment, disappointment that God has been so silent. My mom loved me but didn't get involved with special things that happened in my life. That left me feeling as though I don't know, I'm an interruption or an inconvenience. My earthly dad was an angry and unhealthy man and bellowed at my mother for almost everything until I was 9 and then he died of a heart attack and life became very peaceful and very smooth. My dad had been the greatest source of fear and dread in my house and my mom and me walked on eggshells until he was gone, God granted us peace through that.  So mom was the only parent to be present for me and the couple of times something was going on, she wasn't there. Don't know why but she never showed and I didn't get to see any look of pride or praise on her face, it would have helped make me feel as though I wasn't an inconvenience or as my older brother put it, "an oops baby." Like I was an biological accident not intended for and not planned for....like I said an inconvenience. All through grade school from my first day I was a magnet for any other kid who wanted to find a punching bag. I was the butt of many jokes and other kids called me fatso, slow, never wanted me on their dodgeball team....you get the picture and now I feel in a way God is doing the same thing. Yes He loves me and created me and yes His son Jesus chose to die for me and save me from my sins but He did that for all of humanity at the same time, those who had lived and died, those who were present with Him and those for centuries to come until His return and He begins the new heaven and the new earth. All that stuff about Jesus doing that just for me if I were the only one sounds nice and all and it gets people teared up but the fact remains it was for any and all who believe in Him, not just for me.

I can do some things, I can sing okay and carry a tune and I like singing in church or anywhere praise and worship music is being played. I can fix things like cars and some mechanical things around the home. My mind works like an engineer and I am always pondering on how I would make it work better, how I would build it better or some things are just stupid and a waste of money. I love my wife and she loves me and we are the most in love couple I know even after 36 years. If it wasn't for her I would have no one because we never had children, not by choice but it just never happened. Not that we didn't try but after two years we saw the handwriting on the wall and stopped. We thought about adoption but both of us were afraid of making a mistake and we would have felt horrible to have to give the child back not because of the child but because of us. If we couldn't cut the mustard as parents. She had okay examples of parenting and I came from a father who beat my older brother and possibly sexaully assaulted my older sister so I felt I had the makings of a disaster waiting to happen in some poor child's life and I just couldn't do that so we moved on with life. 

So maybe, I guess some things in life maybe she and I could have pushed through, some things maybe we could have stepped out in faith and tried in order to give some child a decent home and some love but instead we shut the door in fear and doubt and maybe we missed part of a plan God had for our life and we let that chapter pass us by and now we face going into our elder years with no one to look out for us. I have a nephew from my sister but with his bad health he may beat me to the pearly gates. There are many other points in my life where I feel I should have turned and gone another way. Are they regrets? Oh yes, I have many, none of them having to do with my wife but rather my work career. If I had taken a job that was offered to me I could have eventually run my own business but instead I chose to stay with safe and secure with benefits and my old boss took it out of my flesh pound for pound over a 17 year period. Eventually he retired and put me in for his job which I felt was a huge accomplishment and a gift from God though it was just another hard leg of my career there and yes I did get to retire with a lifetime retirement benefit which I enjoy today but it cost me very much. My job caused problems and arguments at home, fear and stress plagued me for years because my old boss was So much like my dad and lost control and threw tantrums at the drop of a hat. Want to talk about damaged goods, this guy was like a crate of turnips that had fallen off a truck and was broken to almost splitting open. Working for him kept me on pins and needles for years. His old saying was, "shit flows down hill." Many of us who worked for him understood We were at the catch basin and we were the turds because we caught it all the time. Getting promoted under him in his department was no small feat and I considered it a miracle seeing as his level of feelings of inadequacy were off the charts and he considered threats to his job coming from any direction was a cause for vehement retribution. 

I made other mistakes and one was really big and though I repented and begged for God to get me through it and to please correct the possible pain that I could have inflicted on others it was still a hard row to hoe and it involved personal and marriage counseling, deep spiritual searching inside myself and a severing of a relationship that spanned over two decades. More of a friendship that went wrong and only in my mind not in the real world. My life has turned out how I chose it so far, I do not believe I have walked a path of God's plan for my life because it would not have led through possibly breaking up of two marriages and children that were involved. I had many times said to God to please lead me where He wanted me and there were months and even weeks, days sometimes where I was looking on the horizon line for something to break, something to open up for me to get out of where I worked and away from that constant fear of being fired and for Nothing! I would have had no recourse to fight for my job because that boss of mine had others twisted around his finger so tight that they feared him too. I longed for a place to work where I could just do my job with peace and no fear but it never came even after he left and I took over the department then I got harassment from those who were once fellow workers and now were under my direction and authority. I chose to stay and tough it out for another 11 years and when the time came to walk out the door and not look back I did it with sorrow and a broken heart because I did have friends that I wasn't going to see on Monday, the daily jokes and the friendship that coworkers develop over time that wouldn't be there for me anymore because I retired but I went away knowing I left the place and the people in much better condition than before. 

It's been almost ten years since that time and I have floated with no clear direction other than to stay away from jobs like my old one and sometimes I feel as though God has chosen to bless me with early retirement for the years of suffering I endured and suffering it surely was and I wasn't the only one that suffered there were many others. Where is God's plan in all of that? Isn't it supposed to look like a neat orderly plan where we move from step A to step B and C and all along the way we obtain graces and gifts and we become part of some great revival of the faith? Some people Have lived that kind of life and have served God directly and have brought faith and hope to others who were impoverished and felt abandoned but that wasn't everyone's reality. 

I woke up with so many thoughts and they are not mine alone

 I woke up with so many thoughts and all of them fell in place

The Father has been giving me these thoughts over the past two weeks and I know that they are assembling themselves to speak a profound truth that must be pronounced very soon. He does things with me that have a timeline of not as much the immediate as they are about the future as in the next few months to a year from now. Believe me when I tell you I believe these things can be bared out in scripture and I plan to mark them all down here and then work to fill it all in as I can. For the time being I believe it important to collect these thoughts and place them here for safe keeping so that I can refer back to this document and pray over it and ask Father for confirmation on my efforts and to see if what I am doing meets with His needs and time line. 

2nd Chronicles 7: 12 - 22

 12Then one night the LORD appeared to Solomon and said,

“I have heard your prayer and have chosen this Temple as the place for making sacrifices. 13At times I might shut up the heavens so that no rain falls, or command grasshoppers to devour your crops, or send plagues among you. 14Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land. 15My eyes will be open and my ears attentive to every prayer made in this place. 16For I have chosen this Temple and set it apart to be holy—a place where my name will be honored forever. I will always watch over it, for it is dear to my heart.

17“As for you, if you faithfully follow me as David your father did, obeying all my commands, decrees, and regulations, 18then I will establish the throne of your dynasty. For I made this covenant with your father, David, when I said, ‘One of your descendants will always rule over Israel.’

19“But if you or your descendants abandon me and disobey the decrees and commands I have given you, and if you serve and worship other gods, 20then I will uproot the people from this land that I have given them. I will reject this Temple that I have made holy to honor my name. I will make it an object of mockery and ridicule among the nations. 21And though this Temple is impressive now, all who pass by will be appalled. They will ask, ‘Why did the LORD do such terrible things to this land and to this Temple?’

22“And the answer will be, ‘Because his people abandoned the LORD, the God of their ancestors, who brought them out of Egypt, and they worshiped other gods instead and bowed down to them. That is why he has brought all these disasters on them.’”

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To now view the temple through the eyes of the Lord Jesus which as He stated to the religious who questioned Him, He referred to the temple not as the building anymore but to His self, His corporeal body and stated that if they were to tear down this temple that He would raise it after 3 days. Jesus also tells us in John chapters 14 to 17 of how He and the Father are one and in His prayer to Father He states openly that as He and Father are one that He prayed that we would be one with Him and then we would abide in Him and in the Father simultaneously and we would dwell together. Can you begin to see the rope of three cords? Does not the word imagery not point to the binding of three cords and how they are stronger together? We are to dwell in Jesus and He dwells in God our Father and our body, namely our heart becomes our temple as it is the dwelling of the Holy Spirit. Take a look at the scripture here above and see how God our Father states that He now dwells in our temple (our heart) and that as long as we abide with Him and follow after His ways and abide by His statutes and commandments that He will dwell within our temple. If His people who are us, will humble ourselves and not become fixated on our sinfulness but rather fix our eyes upon the victory of His son, our Lord Jesus Christ and confess our sins to Him and accept His grace which He stated to Paul that it was sufficient and receive His cleansing just as Isaiah received cleansing from the angel with the use of the white hot coal to his lips, that He will continue to dwell in our temple (our heart) and He will heal our land (our life). For as He already states, we are to be as David, a person after God's own heart. Not to be like the heart of God but instead chase after God's own heart. To pursue God's heart in the same way a lover pursues after the one who has won his heart. To woo God, to court God, to be spiritually intimate with God to the point where nothing is kept hidden from God and all is laid bare. We are to cultivate and nurture our place of spiritual indwelling where the spirit of God resides. As demons spend every minute we are awake speaking to our spirit and encouraging destruction of our relationship with the Holy Spirit, we in our waking hours and minutes must counter act this continual bombardment and intense sabotage of our joy in the Lord with words and thoughts and deeds of affirmation not only to our own spirit but also to our fellow brethren who also attempt to walk in the light of God's love. By physically and mentally taking time to grow our spirit in the light and presence of God's holy word and to speak and proclaim any and all words from the holy book over our own person, we then administer the antidote of the noxious and ultimately deadly virus of hatred and loathing of goodness and light and love. We cure our soul's lack of justice and righteousness by injecting our spirit with words. The devil uses words to bring down our temple and we then are weakened and we feel as though we are losing the good fight and we feel shame and failure and we invite God to go elsewhere, that our heart is so wicked and there is nothing in there but filth in light of God's pure love. But God....but God! But God gives us the out, He provides the way to lessen and lighten our soul's burden and to raise ourselves up out of the grave of despair and spiritual decay (just as we are told that there is nothing that we cannot bear in this life because God will always provide the way out) similar in concept of when Christ Jesus raised Himself out of the grave. It is with words, Jesus tells us the sword of the spirit is the word of God, so says it in Ephesians as Paul tells us how to prepare for spiritual battle every day. 

My friends allow me to bring this to a conclusion; I awoke with the spirit of God assembling these thoughts and it is for me to distribute them to you. A time is coming and woe it is almost at hand that we must be ready as with the warriors of Gideon's army to wage a great spiritual battle in the name and service of our LORD. It is nearing the time when humanity is about to blow the final trumpet and the beautiful and righteous king Jesus will call up the dead in Christ first and they will assemble at His side to come back and meet the demonic in the air and a great battle will ensue. On the earth also a great battle will ensue with those who curse God and spit when speaking His name will call upon their dark lords and false gods to wage war upon the remnant church on the earth and to overturn and overthrow the kingdom upon the earth. We have no way of attempting this battle on our own because by ourselves we are desolate and destitute of any and all goodness but God....but for God! When we call upon His name and seek His face and turn once again, at every turn, after every point in time of our choosing lust of the eyes and the flesh over the loving ways of His heart then we become valiant again, we become radiant again and He infills us and clothes us in the marvelous light. We are once again filled with His mercy and forgiveness and we are again able to exhibit and extend with grace the same level and depth of mercy and forgiveness offered to us. Jesus reminds us using the parable of the unforgiving servant and his king, that the servant was shown a great kindness and forgiveness by the king and a huge debt was written out of the king's ledger regarding this servant but when opportunity came for this same servant to extend the same for another who owed him a great debt that forgiven servant instead exacted merciless punishment upon that man and chose to hold him in suffering in darkness until the last penny was extracted from his flesh. You see we cannot go through our life like this thankless and self invested worthless lot, we are to be like our good Father and repeat and extend the grace and mercy which has been extended toward us each and every time we cried out for it from the One who truly loves us. We can only apply the helmet of salvation when we know how and by whom we are saved, we are saved by grace through faith and that not of ourselves but from which was given to us by God Himself so that we may know and believe in His only begotten son, our Lord Christ Jesus. Ephesians Chapter 2, vv 4 - 10. 

My brothers and sisters let us not fall for the ploy of satan the deceiver and allow ourselves to fixate upon our own sin but instead turn your gaze upon the cross of Christ, the one who when was raised upon that cross drew all men unto Himself. Do not be caught up in your own scrupulous disposition (to show reluctance on grounds of conscience : HESITATE) do not hesitate to reach out for the hand and grace of Christ Jesus to accept more grace and more grace because He is sufficient to enable us to carry out our assignments and to achieve victory according to the master plan of God our Father. Do not wait, do not terry but instead bathe in His enormous and compassionate light and be cleansed as Isaiah was cleansed and went on to carry out the Lord's will. Call out, cry out and be washed again, over and over and refresh your spirit in Him, amen. 

You Are Worthy of It All

 Hello my Father how are you ? 

MY Son, it is good to hear from you again it has been a while

I apologize for my absence, I have allowed myself to become distracted. I have missed you too. My Father I have been long in doing this because of so many reasons but the biggest is the one you know about. It is from my time at that other church and how my family was split in two. It hurt so much. They were my family...

I know my son and they are my family too, they are all my family, my sons and daughters and it hurts me so to see them not get along, to not behave and to not Hear each other. This is why I want to speak with you, it is about your healing. Has it been enough time that has passed that we can look at this together? 

Yes please my Father I would like that and I need you in this.

Tell me about what still hurts you, tell me about the open wound and how is it to be healed? 

Now my Father the pain of separation has been traded with pain of years gone by and pain of those who have passed on into your kingdom. The friends and their families whom I will not see until we are together in your house. I miss them so and I miss that period in my life when it felt as though you were opening up a door for me and making room for me at your table. So much growth went on there and so much revelation and I was in awe of it all. I was being accepted for who I was and what I could offer. The separation was like a closing of a door in heaven and I couldn't bear the hardest rejection of all. To possibly have the door of heaven, the blessings you poured out on me, stop and I be told I was too much this or too much that or not enough. Rejection Father from you is the deepest cut my heart could receive and I hurt for years and I cried for years and I cry now as I write this post. I know now that you did not and have not rejected me and that your tender heart is still soft for my love as your son. Dear Father I know time cannot be replaced and nor should it be because what lies behind is gone and in the dust but it is about what lies in front of me now is what I should be fixed upon. Father I feel as though I am starting all over again and I look at John and he has had to start over so many times and he just sees it for what it is, a time period gone and what is it that You have put before him? Such a loyal and loving son you have in John. 

Yes, John is one of my favorites but you are all my favorites 😄            

My Father I will end here but only for this letter, I will need to do this slow but I will do it. I want to be back where you had me (my mind still wants what was) but I see now I am to leave what was and embrace You in what lies before me. Father make me new again please? Father, what should I do and what should I say? Thank you Father for not closing that door on my heart. I love you.